Black Death Has Never Looked So Cute
www.giantmicrobes.com/
I am currently staring Black Death in the face. Along with the common cold. And HIV. And a few other of the world's nastiest viruses. And instead of feeling awed and dismayed at something a hundred times more powerful than me which also happens to be one-millionth my size...I'm going, "Awww, so cuuuuuute!"
They really are some of the most adorably disturbing plushies known to humanity--right up there with cute li'l Chibi-Cthulhu's and plushie Shuggoths. Though I somehow doubt that we'll be seeing any plushie venereal diseases anytime soon. The conversations alone would sound wrong no matter what the context...
Kid #1: "Look, isn't my syphilis so cool?"
Kid #2: "Aw, lucky! All I got was herpes."
In other news, it's arguable how there are better ways to start off the new year than with a slight hangover from the night before. But then again, Ed the Sock hosting Muchmusic's "Fromage 04", a lambasting of the cheesiest music videos of the past year, makes it all better.
In
other other news, I psychologically abused a drunken teenager. It happened whilst Kevin and I were walking his brother home last night, and not thirty steps from his apartment complex, we encountered some drunken kid who I doubt could legally drink. He was having a distinct problem moving in a straight line. Actually, he was having a problem walking up a relatively level street. Oh, who are we kidding? This kid was fighting a losing battle with gravity; it's a wonder he could move at all.
So as we give him wide berth, he fixes his glazed eyes upon us and angrily mutters, "Fucking queers. You guys are fucking homos." Now typically I would give such a person a dirty look, shake my head at their latent stupidity, and keep moving. However, I could not let the new year start off in such a fashion. It was time for action! I turned around, presented myself as flamingly as possible and exclaimed, "Out and proud, baby!"
Whereupon our friend stared at me with as much horror as possible for a man who's too drunk to figure out he's about to walk into a lightpost, and then shouted, "Fucking gays! I fucking hate you all!"
To which came my fa-bu-lous retort, "At least I get laid more than you, shrinky-dink!"
There was a lot of incoherent sputtering on his part. And then he walked into the lightpost. The new year's starting off rather well. Perhaps my resolution should be: to be more sacthing and acerbic to deserving buttheads. But then again I'd probably be fired from hoisting idiot customers up by their own pitards. (I don't know what a pitard is, but I'm sure it would be painful.)
Anyhoo, merry new year, season's gravy, and all that jazz.
posted by Phillip at 1:41 PM
